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Every night before I go to bed I take 10 minutes to just reflect. I let my mind float into the void and think about whatever I need to. Usually my thoughts revolve solely around school and how much work I have but occasionally it goes further. I think about broad topics like current events, people, life and death, or my childhood or sometimes more specific things like a recent show I have been watching (usually Avatar the Last Airbender or Legend of Korra), a new song I found, some childhood memory, or my future career. When I start thinking about the smaller things, it usually spirals into a long sleepless night of either happiness or sadness. And then I'll wake up the next morning after a long night of reflection, only to feel normal again.
Reflection is honestly such a unclear concept to me. I know reflection means to “think deeply about something with much thought and consideration” but truly how does one reflect? Brooding on whatever it is on the back of our minds is a good thing. It allows us to open doors and realize ideas that would have never crossed our minds, but at the same time, it's scary. Sometimes my thoughts jump from one thing to another and spiral out of control so quick, I feel trapped. Reflection is both a blessing and a curse.
Now how does one reflect? Well sometimes for me it's while I am in bed at the dead of night, but other times it's yelling at myself in the shower, journaling, taking a walk, or just sitting and talking to myself in my room. Most of the time, I think about my childhood, marvel at how time flies by and how much things have changed. Sometimes it's still hard for me to process old memories because I can physically hear moments or feel like I'm relieving them. It's hard to process that the easy part of my life where I didn't have to worry about things like money, career and jobs is over and now I have to start taking full responsibility for myself. I also tend to contemplate what would have happened if one small thing didn't have and how different my life would have been. For example, what if I didn't move from India to the US. What if I had stayed in Indian my whole life, how much more different would my life have been? It's these small thoughts that can open up a sprawl of questions. Usually though, these thoughts last one day and don't tend to affect the next.
When I'm with friends and family, we also have wholesome conversations about the past. With my family, we appreciate the small vacations, dinners, and times we spent before my sister and I grew up. We enjoy watching home videos from 10 years ago and laugh or cry at how my sister and I went from cute innocent children to mature, not as cute kids anymore. I can see in my parents eyes the sadness that they truly realized that their girls are not little girls anymore. It's heartbreaking but it's important to be grateful for all the happy memories we did get to make. My friend group is something that has changed so much in my life. My current friend group is the only I have had for 2 years so it's still young but honestly it feels like forever. If there was no pandemic, we could have been seeing each other almost every angel week, but due to the pandemic our main method of communication has become video calls. On our video calls we often reflect on how we became friends because some of us “hated” each other before we actually became closer. It's a funny story and we all just love to have a good joke with it.
Reflection is honestly so important to let go of and accept old times but ready to open up new chapters. Lately I have been a lot during quarantine because of how suddenly life has changed. It has taught me to be grateful and appreciate what life has thrown at me. Sure sometimes things are unexpected and hard to fathom, but eventually we need to accept what happened.
Reflection, not in the mirror, is the key to letting go and opening new pathways.